Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

They're coming out in full forces...!!!

2008-06-26T22:07:33Z

Summer...
Truly since the last year the summer is the best moment of the year for me, it's strange that after a long time when i've longed for winter to come now i prefer the opposite season.
But in the end i've always been inclined to follow some sort of extreme measures, both in the good and the bad.
Well whatever the fuck will be i don't give a damn, i'm here and there, and i plan to remain so.
Some sort of empty void, a calm after the storm, i am sincerely curious about what will be next chance-in-view and what will cause it but this warm summer seems to cast some sort of slumber over my frenetic mind and so i'm pleased to live in the present.
My present.
By the way, i've resolved to write more often, i think it's a good exercise and some sort of feed for myself.

Truly i feel myself like at the stat of a journey

Is this what we call hope?_?

What if...

2008-06-24T20:31:08Z

There are many worlds, and more beyond this...
Many realities, chances, moving, great or small or maybe better great and small.
In all of this there's some sort of cycle, not good neither malevolant, just a thing that simply stand there, it repeat itself in every little thing that exist, both material, emotional, spiritual or anything else.
Birth - Life - Death
Yeah i know, i'm not the smartest one, it's a matter of fact you could say but is a matter of fact if you think about the human body.
I was not talking about this thing only.
Star and galaxies too die, Insects die, planets die and so on but even emotions, passions, societies, religions follow the simple path above.
Birth - Life - Death
We usually apply this concept to something outside of us, the place we live, the people we know, the job we did and so forth so what if we try to apply the concept inside of us?
I mean how would you call the whole thing if not Microcosmo?
(and no i'm not talking about Saint Seiya pleae...)
All that happens to us it takes form of emotion, the emotion lead to a certain status, but if i know that is cyclical would i not be able to prevent thing going this way recognizing and accepting this for what it is?
Then if i could manage the process would i not be able to rech some sorth of quiet around me?
And finally would i not be able to open up myself again?
What if i've wanted to write about a reason for doing so?
It's what i want... now

unknown

2008-06-10T22:40:58Z

Frigid damsel, claded in snow
A shiny diamond, or your lips glow
The truth behind, a rainbow mask
You dancing toys, kept in the dusk

Winter of lies, will one day die
The summer sun, in truth will shine
Will it reveal, a bright ideals
Or will you be, crushed down by fear

Your inner souk, you'll have to find
Thorugh all mistakes, through feelings blind
Through all this world, merciless sand
Filled with dust, your garments stand

Memories, like fallen gods
Time, better kept untold
Red, as a drop of blood
A goblet, for a spirit sold

Ergo sum...?

2007-11-26T23:28:45Z

If a human being could really be defined by the thing hed did, well, i could perhaps be related to a vortex, both in the emotional and material ways.
I know, it was a lot since i've last wrote here but, to be honest with both myself and whoever will read this mess, i was simply not interested in write anything, no big ideas, no almost unapproachable goals, no passion to move me.
A perfect time for a little silence.
It's not that i'm not doing anything at all, my hours of work have drastically increased and i spend more time thinking about the job and what role i want to carve out from it in the future but, with the complicity of a sort of reject about the human beings'beaviohur, i've isolated myself for a while, in all ways possibles.
Long story short, i'm pretty quiet lately, i do what i want to do at the best i can and i'm satisfied...and quiet.
As i said like a wortex, quiet inside and fierce outside.
Sometimes too many tough are a burden.

Awake & Dazed

2007-10-26T19:51:02Z

Nella contorta luce delle stelle
Qui, le ombre danzano
Qui, le ombre cadono
Mentre ascolto il mio richiamo

Solo un'armonia silente
E il mio cuore balza
Un immortale sogno, rivelato
Dove l'anima quieta resta

Di semplicità, rivelazione
Nel contemplare il flusso
Immoto, nel gelo dipinto
Eppur di un fuoco iridescente

Sveglio e stordito
Fulcro del mio incanto
Nel pensiero, rapito
Sia della quiete il vanto

Wordless

2007-10-26T19:41:16Z

Riposte le vestigia adombrate
Di oscura matrona
Abbandonate sulle rive
Dove i cigni danzano, crepuscolari

Piume d'argento cadono
Seppellendo le vane menzogne
Che ricoprono le anime
Rivelata, un'effimera affinità

Al canto dei monsoni
Che la terra talora scuotono
Suono di cruda armonia
E un incontro sfiorato

Splendi nella tua follia
Come luna d'autunno velata
Sfiora le nubi che s'avvinghiano
Attorno alla tua perpetua danza

For Q.

Sonno

2007-10-26T17:40:04Z

Lascia che mi corichi, nel grembo
Di una mesta luna, dove
Nascosi rime dissonanti
Al volgersi di pensieri obliati

Lascia che l'anima perduri
Oltre il sentiero degli attimi
Perduta la favella del sorriso
Eppure è viva la mia gioia

A gaudenti danze volgerò i passi
Incauto, oltre gli abissi della noia
Mentre ancora la notte scivola
Di Morfeo diverrò l'amante

Qualcuno scende...

2007-10-16T17:45:09Z

Umori di un amplesso solitario
Urlati a un'effimera luna
Nell'ipocrisia dell'onnipotenza
Quando non c'è confine
Tra il lecito e l'empio

Nel pallido caleidoscopio
Nenia di discordi sinfonie
Reggiamo dei giorni l'illusione
Di un destino che non è il nostro
Tra i veli che si dividono

Qualcuno, scende
Camminando lungo viali dimenticati
Solo il silenzio gli è compagno
Mentre cala la maschera
Diafano sorriso nelle ombre

Mourning...

2007-10-13T23:29:06Z

I believe, this world is the cradle of many possibilities, countless.
And every little turning, every step we made, could leads us to countless possibilities so, that's my idea of neverending.
It happened seven years ago, in a spring afternoon, i was reading a magazine about a mountain in Ireland and i've decided to go there for my summer holydays, it was the decision of a moment but that moment, and the following decision to visit the magical island, changed my life in some sort, some great, some small.
It was there where i first discovered the Wheel of Time saga.
I remember well the rainy afternoon in Cork where i've bought the paperback edition of "The eye of the world", from the first page i've been drawn in the world of Rand, Lews Therin Thelamon, Mathrim Cauthon and all the others marvelously depicted characters, so real and yet struggling in an epical, but somehow tangible story.
At the time the books where eight, useless to say i've bought another backpack to bring back all of'em, in Italy the saga was unknown and the situation changed nly three years ago, meanwhile 3 new books were added to the serie, a long story and delicious like the rarest and finest wine.
One book has yet to come and sadly it will never appear, at least non directly from the hand of Robert Jordan, after an year struggle with the disease he died.
It is said that a person life is valued by his own action, if that true i got to say that Robert brought us something magnificent in this word, it could be just a work of words, a fictional story but the passion that transpire from every book, the carefully builded background, vivid character, the reality that transpared from the fantastic saga make the whole Opera a masterpiece, human beings can do that sometimes.
So goodbye Robert, we could have been strangers but with your death this world has lose one of its brightest light.
But your memory, your perseverance and good attitude even in your disease, will surely live forever in our hearts so.
"the grave is no bare to your call"
We'll miss you...

Stars...

2007-10-13T17:04:12Z

And while i dance
Behind a curtain of mirrors
The masks that we gladly wear
Gently kissed by the rain

Fallen from the sky i was
An angel with iron wings
Chained to the earth because
I've got no voice for my dreams

And i've withstood the countless grains
Of an hourglass that now turns faster
But while bitter memories remains
I found my way in the stars that glitter

And while i roam this silent land
The answer for reality, where it is?
An unspoken question that stand
Everyday suspended in all of this

A silver key to open the door
Of this mischievous turnaround
Despite myself being so poor
'cause my answer i've not found

Still i look through the clouds
Still i face my own truth
Still i need to scream aloud
Into the stars of my youth

Be alive 'cause hell is on earth

2007-10-12T17:31:18Z

Agony is an heart that sings alone
In wich
I've well hid the crimson thorn
Before
The winter of our souls
I roam
While in my veins the blood atone
For sins
I've never committed alone
You've been
A beautiful bitch, of lies untold

But

In the moon i dance my rhyme
Because
The world has yet to shine
A crimson
Lullaby i will sing
Misfortune
I'll never again bring
My moon
Shatter the stars while i claim
Primordial
Covered by snow, silence reign

My Elegy

Words untold to myself are near
Twilight
I can't feel any glimpse of fear
Angels
Thy commands broken lie
The fate
Of men and gods alike
The end
Will slowly draw of all us
Quiet
In the last whisper of a rose

Don't bring me down
You cannot
I shout aloud
What i got
I've broke the chain
From my past
Over the pain
I rule at last

No, don't worry, i ain't gonna kill anyone, i just need to write something and this is what it came out...

weeping Lilies

2007-10-06T11:31:47Z

Gigli piangenti, deridono
Corolle all'ignoto incatenate
La pallida ombra dalle nubi
Gettata a ricoprirne il vanto

Quando al morir dell'estate
Giunge il crepuscolo dei giorni
Immobili restano
Il mondo, candidi, a vestire

Al canto del vento danzano
Pur con voce silenziosa
E nell'argento di lunare genia
Pallidi volti rispecchiano

Gigli piangenti, giacciono
Le altrui memorie a ricoprire
Simili a ceneri disperse
Dall'adagiarsi della fenice

Revelations

2007-10-05T11:28:42Z

Sometimes i think i'm going crazy, totally out of the blue you know?
How much have i changed? not so little i fear.
As i've already told you (whoever you are, o' reader), i'm feeling myself relaxed and i live well in this time, still all seems to have happened too fast (and furios), so my question is: where's the price i got to pay?
Or maybe i've already paid too much, lost myself too much in petty toughts and so on, so this is just some sort of "divine retribution" to what i've allowed to do to me.
But it's still strange, i've lately understood that i've never knew a person at all, and that's probably also right for her, dunno, i'm no more in touch with her and i do not intend to get, at least not without a very good reason from her.
One both rational and worthy, you know what ' mean i suppose.
Rationality.
But hell, i've caught some glimpse of her present being lately and it seems she's changed too much also, good for her but it still irritates me that we've never knew each other, what a waste of time.
i don't remember if i've already told you how much i value time, in fact i'm trying to get the best for every second lately, but still bad the bad habit of losing myself in nasty toughts haunts me, or maybe it's just a part of me i'm complacent with.
People look for me, call me to go out, spend their time with me.
I've asked to a freind why and he told me because i'm genuine, true maybe, i'm tired of lies, i was fed with lies for some years and i've got enough, but i'm still amazed how much people tends to fool theirselves, acting in a constructed manner just to please the world or whatsoever i mean, what did you gain in not being yourself.
As i said, i'm starting to lose my mind...
Or maybe i'm just amusing myself too much.

Forgetfulness

2007-10-03T18:24:43Z

While i sit on this chair, the dusty throne for many ideals, thoughts and even more nasty things i suppose.
While i sit here, standing at the edge of my own mind, sometimes forgetting about old things while i bid a warm welcome to something new.
Shall the phoenix arise from the ashes ot this will just be a meaningless turnaround?
My sins are not so heavy now, i'm human, i keep my monster at bay, sometimes.
I smile more often, i laugh more often, i fully breath this world 'till the point i feel something inside me, sometimes i just want to dance and scream it out, my dark poetry, my beautiful lie.
Still, i got toughts, of things long passed, of past people, alive and dead either, life goes on like a shimmering wave on a wide ocean, an ocean i would like to taste 'till the last drop, even if it could taste like blood, i don't care, i want it all.
And i thing that's all mine to feel, mine, all i would like to feel, all i decide to taste, i'm thirsty even if do not know yet what could satisfy this thirst.
And i do not even know why i'm here, writing stupid things on this virtual piece of paper, but for some time now i do not need to know.
I live, i breath, i taste.
That's all i need to know.
Things could be forgotten, people come and go, still i got myself and that's enough.
Burning like a pyre set on the moon i will brighten my days.

Nothing out of the ordinary

2007-09-30T10:46:22Z

Yesterday was quite a busy day, one of my friend get married so we've spent the whole day out at the restaurant.
Honestly it was the best wedding i've ever attented to, a lot of young people, laughter, jokes and a great deal of fun, a really great deal indeed.
In the end we went to a local pub and even there the party went on, we almost get senseless drunk and beside the bartender offered us a couple of champagne bottles, FUN!
I was really satisfied by the whole day and i've gotta change my view about my frined wife, she surprised the whole lot of us showing a easy-going side we've never seen, now i'm a lot more confident in their relationship if it keeps going on like that.
Beside i'm still more convinced that i will never, ever get married. I mean, i do not find any peculiar meaning in the wedding thing, just a great deal of stress coming from the preparations for a sort of justification for the society, a useless justification because i believe that a relationship is made by two person, not by a ceremony of any sort.
Speaking about love i feel that it is really unlike that i'll be able to love someone, except for friendship, relationship are made up by mutual trust and i'm not that inclined to put my trust in women lately, for the most part they do not show me any valid reason to do so, almost all the girls i've met lately are really naive, all but few exceptions for whom i can feel nothing else but frieendship and respect.
I'm not saying stupid things like "i'm still too wounded for love someone" or else, i simply cannot see anything useful about fall in love with a girl, it is true that maybe now i've grown to the point of not annihilate myself because of love, but it's also true that i know what most girls expect from a relationship and i do not intend to use my resources in doing pretty things for a girl, i'm not in the "Prince Charming" mood anymore, truth and self awareness are better and more wealthy.
Plus i tend to get annoyed easily by the silliness of girls, i mean don't they got a brain?
Maybe i still think too much but you know? i never was for the physical side so much, if i have to employ myself in a relationship i got to be struck by something more than a good pair of boobs or a well did blowjob, my damned "long for something more", somethign that can be able to make my mind spin.
Do not misunderstand either, i'm not saying i don't appreciate a good night of sex, just i gotta be emotionally/mentally involved too.
Oh well, at least i'm getting accustomed to my personal views, so they're not a problem anymore, as i said rpeviosuly i'm living well these times.
For the games side: I'm thinking about playing the two games of Valkyrie Profile and finish both of 'em, especially after Elric77 spoke me about how marvelous VP: Silmeria is, i still got to decide wich one to play first but i suppose i'll go for Silmeria in the end.
Great games both, good gameplay, interesting setting (the norse mythology) and not so easy to finish, great games!
As a little sidenote, lately there are a lot of people who call me for going out, i've recently met some guys from Bergamo and started to roam that places, at least there people are a little open-minded than here were i live and the thing it's satisfying.
I keep wondering about how much i have changed in the last more, changed in better it seems if i had to look at my friends judgement, it still make me feel surprised but in the end a lot of people told me that i just had to relax myself a little to become a "better" person, and one worthy to get out with.
I'm still tempted to say that i haven't done anything special but, as a friend of mine told me not so long ago, people doesn't change if they don't want to.
I've wanted to change, i'm still changing and the whole process it gets me fun and satisfaction, so i suppose i got not so much to long for.
Really, it isn't hard to live happily, just got to get off paranoid thoughts! :D

Crimson

2007-09-25T11:25:46Z

Life is goi' on pretty smooth lately, my long absence from this little corner of the net is due to growing real life business, both because of the job and social life.
Speaking about the latter i'm going on more often, a lot more, in these last few weeks my perspective is changed and so is my behaviour, i've started to be more open and talkative and as a result i'm living quite better, i've also dropped to divide the people in categories, people are just what the show after all, everyone special in a way or another i suppose.
Even my relations with girls are improved, at least i'm now talking to a lot of them altough no one has caught my interest up 'til now, but i suppose that after you're used to be manipulated (and honestly i've also allowed that) it is difficult to find interestest in a being that mainly talk about herself.
Speaking about my unfortunate experience with that girl, i've finally accepted that it was mainly my fault if i ended up being some sort of stupid servant for her to use, not that she got no faults (in fact she got a lot), but well, i haven't helped her at all in not using me and being the egocentric being that she is, the only things i regret is the moment of shared things we lived together, and maybe the fact i've never made love with her in almost four years (although i seriously doubt she's able to love something, or someone, other than herself), as i said i was an idiot and allowed her to use this.
Nevermind, that was the past, although i will be a liar if i say that i do not miss her a little.
Beside recently i got pretty hard times in handling girls, it's funny to see how far things change if you got a positive behaviour and not a paranoid one, but i suppose my more cynical aptitude tends to make me annoyed by them, not that i couldn't use some sweet moments but up 'til now i've not felt any pressing urge or need in that way, so i prefer to go out with people, enjoy myself and so on.
It's really entertaining.
Oh yes, i'm also addicted to the Guilty Gear serie, i spend my spare time training hard to reach a good level but my guru still beat me to a bloody pulp, nevermind also, the technical side derived from experience is one of the things that madke me go mad about this game.
My friends also see how much have i changed lately, and they're pleased to hang out with me it seems, i must admit that i feel some sort of satisfaction in it, it me make me feel good to please other people and give'em funny moments and they give me too their trust and joy,
We're young, wild and happy, what else could i desire?
No problem at all here, stay tuned for the next time!

travel cheque...

2007-09-16T21:14:29Z

Hello people, long time no see, huh!?
Well my vacation has come abruptly to an end, a sad event took place at the end of august 'cause an ex girlfriend of my boss (and friend) lost her life at the age of 22.
I've got a really hard first week of work, not because we got a lot of job to do but because i believed i got to keep an eye on my friend, it was his first dear person to die, he passed the thing preatty well so my worries were useless.
Still it is a pain in the ass to see a 22 years old girl die.
It's ok, i've got nothing to do with her because i've only seen her about two times maybe, but thinking about the price of time, the things one expect to experience in life and so on, well...i'm sorry for her, stupid huh?
Anyway life is going on pretty smooth, i've finalòly overcomed some stupid ways of seeing things and started naybe to be more true to myself, lately i'm meeting a lot of people, and everyone is terribly amazing, everyone got his own "brand", something that cannot be replied in any way, everyone is rare, in both his flaws and merits.
By the way i've got a littoe adventure lately, we've spent last week in London because one of us will get married at the end of this month, it was really, funny and i've felt free to express myself and learn about the others.
Important. :)
It is strange to notice now things so clear, something that was in front of you for a while until you learn how to took notice of the things that matters.
Lately i'm very happy to be alive.

Distressed...

2007-08-22T12:05:31Z

Well, vacations are coming to an end and i must admit i haven't done anything exceptional this year, simply i do not have the need to do it.
Lately i got some nasty recurring dreams/nightmares about a person, it's really annoying because although my hate and rage are fading away (waste of time both) it seems like my mind gets fun playing tricks on me, sometimes i wonder if it isn't better that some things never happened and some other times i wonder how long will it take since i'll fully recoverm after all almost an year have passed since the worst events.
it seems it's not so easy to forgive myself after all, but i keep going on.
By the way, i've got my copy of Shin Megami tensei: Persona 3 and up 'til now i've played almost 30 hours in four days, you know how much i love the whole SMT serie but this title has addicted a lot, why?
First gameplay: the game is a sort of fusion between a classical rpg and a life-sim, you got to level up your party in Tartarus at night and attend to school during the day where you can rise your stats according to the various relationship you get, simply put each of the summonable persona it's part of a Tarot Arcana and the various communities are linked each to one of the 22 arcana so if you rise the commu level you got an huge amount of experience bonus when you fuse a new persona.
Oh yes, the fusion system is similar to the one in Lucifer's Call, you can fuse two or more Persona together to obtain a more powerful Persona that retains some of the skill of the fused ones, some results are truly amazing although i'm not a power-player it's satisfying to develop a Persona with good resistances and creepy skills.
The story itself is as good as every SMT, but i wait to finish the game to say further.
Apart the game i'm still distressed, anybody knows of a way to erase memories?
Just kidding, that would be too easy.

Such a beautiful day...

2007-08-15T20:57:32Z

After all, i'm an idiot.
A friend of mien once told me about constants, i'm not different in the end, i got my constants too and i tend to fall int them pretty easily.
but first thing first i've passed a beautiful day, i went with a couple of friends to some sort of manifestation on the mountains over Varese, we also took a long walk to come back so i'm pretty tired tonight, in the end i've had the change to speak, or better get corrected, by a friend of mine.
Up 'til now i've thought that i got to forgive others for what they did, this sort of stupid pride grew slowly through the last months to become some sort of shield and i've hid myself behind it, well i cannot forgive anyone if i cannot forgive myself first.
But, to do this, i've also to admit that i've made an error of judgement, that i've let myself to be fooled, not an easy things to do i suppose, so better to coved the errors i've made behind words like love of trust.
Wrong again, it can be true that a part of me loved, it's also true that I have choose to close my eyes in front of a lot of error for the other, cradled myself in believing that i'm a good and available person, giving alll i could and taking pride because of that, isn't this called narcisism?
Maybe i got to look before myself before accusing others, ok i could be right but i didn't do anything different it seems, that's because i'm still unable to love myself.
And yet i'm also unable to forgive myself too.
Pretty idiot it seems.
Sometimes words are useless, i use to much words and not enough actions.
And i definitely have to stop caring about others and start to take care of myself...

Time to go on...

2007-08-14T18:38:13Z

Well, this vacations are becoming really stressing for me, as i previously said the problem with them it's the great amount of time you got to employ and the lot of toughts that come from it.
I got my thoughts, things not properly faced, some sort of past that bites back from a situation that wasn't properly closed, and not because of me.
I mean it's ok if a relationship end, it happens, but at least both of the parts involved are supposed to clearly speak their own motivations and then say good bye with a clean cut, well, what i've received was not only silence but also her mom answering to the phone, umiliating.
Well i suppose it's a problem of her if she couldn't have the guts ti clearly speak her own beliefs, but even just a "fuck you" would have been more pleasant than someone lese speaking for her sake, or it's right to assume that if you don't clearly state your opinion then you have made no choice and so you got no responsability?
Ok now, i've made my errors, paid the price and honestly i don't think i deserved this kind of treatment, still it's hard to stop to love someone but if that someone clearly act in a despicable manner hen it's the only thing to do, not the right thing or the better thing, the only thing.
Do not misunderstand, i'm not an angel and i've made serious mistakes, maybe i'm not even better than her and i do not want to justify myself in any kind of way, don't have to.
I can be sorry for what's happened and it's ok.
I can be sad for her, and it's also ok.
But really, to care for someone who clearly acted in a way to harm herself and the other, well this would be foolish as a friend of mine told me long ago.
Looking back at what happened a lot of friends tried to warn me about her, i've never listened to them because i was so idiotically in love with her, because i believed in her, faith is a srange thing, it could be a banner to carry on something you feel important but also can inflict deep wounds.
I was wounded for the most part of this year, four years of half-truth and lies can do this i suppose.
I'm not saying that there wasn't anything good but i am now wondering if they was really true, especially after knowing that her mother never liked me while i was invited to dinners together, holidays and so on, isn't this called hypocrisy?
As a result a great distrust of people grew inside me, it will be difficult to erase it but what else i can do?
Nothing at all if i want to live, people lie, harm others for their own sake, and made mistakes that others got to pay, i do not care i want to live, fully.
So, seems like it's time to go on, i'm pretty scared but i got to do this.
I'm not dead yet...

Please...

2007-08-11T23:54:33Z

Pretty please, capture me, and make me fly once more
On unknown wings, to reach my silver shore
There will be no pain, in the turnaround of time
There will be no pain, once i'll find my rhyme

For one more time il'll sing
For my stars, so that peace they'll bring
Once again, just a last blaze
Let me fall, in your mischievous gaze

Let me hear, the angel cry again
Melt this ice, for my heart is a bane
Let the tears, fall down through my soul
Let me feel, like a sunrise reborn

Do not let me alone, my moon
Stay in this sky, bring your light to the room
Of illusions, and scattered lies
Give me strenght, to forgive her the crimes

And mine too...

Other times, other places...

2007-08-10T21:16:58Z

Recently i was doing a little clean up of my little web space and i've found some old thing i've created when i was a member of a play by forum, the one created by the girl i've loved or about 4 years.
It was a good period, of truth at least or just stupid innocence, but after all that happened it's kinda strange to find something good about it, something that i can claim as mine, freely created and somehow sincere.
I really like this little stupid midis, call me a stupid if you want because they're not so special and somehow too sweet for the person i now am but well, they're mine now and forever and they remind me a time of happiness, when i was walking through a strange land with some friends and with iron painted wings (my character was a sort of winged being), it is strange to think how a love was born on a little space in the net, and it still taste bitter to think about the lies i've had in the last time.
Still there's sometime capable to make me smile, this music, my music.
Ok, tonight i'm in a nostalgic mood, sorry by the way here are the midis if you want to listen to them, do not expect to much i'm not a musician.
- A call from the breeze
- A little lullaby
- A roaming angel
- A weeping mirror
- Against the darkness
- Lotus flower
- Moonlight waltz
- Our beloved town
- Running away
- Shadow in my soul
- Sorrowful wings
- The sky of Brea
- Through the darkness
- Trail of tears
- Under a starless sky
- Where the wind blows not
- Whispering memory
(right click and save as to get the files)

Failing...

2007-08-09T21:41:26Z

At last, realising something is always hard but sometimes is even harder.
I'm failing, i've tried to get rid of emotions but in the end it seems that the only emotions i was able to crush was the bright ones, the dark ones still linger in myself, slowly the build their fortress inside me and now it seems like it's finished.
I cannot become evil, although i so desire.
I cannot forget the time gone by, i cannot allow myself to unleash all the rage i feel inside, i cannot destroy anything, i am too weak.
I cannot devour.
I wonder what's left to me, my mind seems like drifting away, every day it seems to drove me mad but in the end i'm still here, i'm still alive and, even through all of that, i'm still fighting...and bleeding, unnoticed.
Hironically the only thing that i've accomplished is the capability to wear a lot of different mask but everytime i got the chance to manipulate someone for my own sake regrets prevent me from doing so, how pathetic, but i cannot accept to act in the same way someone did to me, i know too well what does that means, i know too well how much pain can be delivered by an action like this, so i prefer to stay in shadow, retreat into mysef, again feeding on my rage, still unnoticed.
But even if someone was able to noticed this it would be useless, i seriously doubt that i can be helped, pride maybe, or just fear because i become more aware everyday that i'm scared by people, i'm scared by their selfishness, their blindness and i'm still too weak, too wounded to do anything to change this thing, i'm only one, i cannot change anything.
I wanna scream but even that it seems useless, just a waste of time and resources, so i stay here, deprived of hope because i know the bitter truth behind what we call "society", just a new jungle, only better dressed.
Maybe i'm going to extinct.
Still for what i'm fighting for?
Love? i do not believe in it, it's just a convenient word to believe in something more higher, a nice dress to cover the balance between two selfishness.
Justice? if you see it tell me.
Hope? well, hope is the denial of reality.
I'm convinced that there isn't anything good left in this world, we all act to satisfy our own egoism and once mine was crushed i realized that i got nothing.
Nothing but my life, is still worth enough?
Useless...as my capability to love is.

Vacations...

2007-08-05T18:24:57Z

Sometimes i wonder if it isn't better to work 365 days at year, although my job take the most part of my time it isn't enough to let me be able to forget other issues, so i do not especially like vacations, because you got a lot of time to fill.
Ok, i'm actually playing some old titles i've left on my desk for a long time but still, my minds is so fucking awake, so aware of the "problems" (not exactly but i didn't found another word) i still got, although yesterday a friend of mine said that i've made a lot of step forward since the begin of the year i'm still confused and i still think that i do not know enough, i haven't reached enough to gain a unshakeable peace of mind.
Although the healing process has already begun i'm still wounded, i suppose it's ok, you cannot spend four years with a person and the forget about her in such a short period of time, and i've really did better than before but, well, i was wounded, deeply...just a statement.
I know that my emotional side it seems kinda compromised, feeling myself uneasy and still not bothering too much about it, strangely the only feeling that persist is fear, and i'm used to it.
I mean, it's ok to fear something unless that fear dominates you, but also it is a good motivation to get better, stronger maybe something to use i mean.
But still i sometimes think that im just fooling myself, i desire to hate, i'm not able to do it, i still miss that person although she got a lot to make amend for, and beside i got my good part in the whole mess.
Still i'm becoming different from what i was, i'm not speaking in terms of better or worst, only different, skeptical, cyinical, cold and aloof.
Evil as every human being is i suppose.

Given or took away

2007-07-31T10:31:06Z

You know, i'm definitely not a social genius, especially in this last period.
I've lately realize how hard is for me to get involved with other people, cautious maybe or just disilluded, anyway i feel like i got not so much to say to others so it's kinda difficult to meddle with people in this stage of my life.
The fact is that i'm feeling a little guilty, i go out with people but i just observe for the most part (yes, human being are still damn interesting) and, save for a person or two, i do not often state my opinion.
Well i was wrong on many things for the most part of my previous existence, used to talk a lot without hearing what the others got to say, now i got nothing to say so i keep my mouth shut, people may consider this as some sort of aloofness but i do not hate them (ok maybe i'm little scared) but it's frustrating not be able to give something to the others, parasite is the word that come to me lately but if i really was that i suppose i would not feel any sense of guilt.
Also it is strange to understand how the things that hurt us are the ones from wich we learn more.
The fact is also that whenever you are with other person, willingly or not, you gave'em something, sometimes it's just your physical presence, given or took away i'm not too sure that it matter anyway the difference stands in how a person feel the whole thing, some people are too self centered to bother about it, some others are not and for them it's a problem, of balance maybe.
Sometimes this is like a gigantic puzzle.
I wonder who cut the pieces...